Yesterday morning I had one of those poignantly vivid dreams where you awaken completely awash in the emotions felt within the dream. In fact, there was a double wake up, I dreamt that I woke up, and then actually woke up. The dream itself took me back 24+ years to a very difficult time in my life. I was 18, had just broken up with my boyfriend of two years and was about to find out I was pregnant. It was a heart-wrenching time for me in so many ways, and the whole story in and of itself would make a spellbinding novel. To thicken the plot of that story I must share that after a 20 year separation, that boyfriend and I got back together almost 4 years ago and are very much in love. But apparently I had deeply repressed and submerged some of that heartache as I soon found myself uncontrollably sobbing at 4:30 in the morning.
I know mercury is in retrograde right now, which often invites us to reach behind and look at unfinished business, but that must be a heck of a powerful retrograde to take one back almost two and a half decades! As much as I would have loved to sleep some more and not deal with swollen eyes the rest of the day, my wisdom encouraged me to allow the processing to unfold and explore my feelings in the space of darkness. And so, I greeted the dawn. The sweet dewy scent of the hillside’s wild grasses and the approaching light elicited a calming sensation as I knew daybreak would help lessen the discomfort and eventually transform the energy. Once morning officially arrived, I had to get ready to catch a flight up to San Jose for an event I was facilitating that afternoon. And though there was no time to linger in sadness, I found myself moving through the day reverently, with a sense of peace and serenity that was most welcomed.
I am sharing all of this with you because this experience holds the opportunity to serve as an important reminder and offer wisdom that applies to everyone. We all have buried sorrow from traumas, both big and small. At some point in our lives, perhaps repeatedly, that sorrow will bubble to the surface. And when it does, will you allow the processing to proceed or will you shove it all back down because it is unconformable or inconvenient?
Our psyches don’t have a sense of time or space. They just are. And like it or not, the psyche is the operating system of the conscious mind. So that buried sorrow from old traumas (even not so old) is rolling around in there projecting fear of the trauma reoccurring and creating thoughts of fear as avoidance. For example, even though my current relationship with Luis is healthy, and I know him to be one of the most loyal persons I have ever met, it wasn’t so healthy back in the day, and he wasn’t so loyal. We were kids and we both had a lot of growing up to do. And we did for 20 years. But being with him again, even after almost 4 years of a committed, loving relationship, those old traumas from our past have planted these seeds in my psyche of history repeating itself. Again, intellectually I know this won’t happen, but the operating system has a virus – the unprocessed sorrow!
So when the dream occurred, and in that darkened moment where my wisdom was not clouded by daylight and distractions, even though my intellect said “girl, go back to sleep,” my wisdom said, “beloved, here’s your chance to feel that old pain you’ve avoided so you can release it back to its origin.” And this is the beauty of the human psyche, as complex as it is, it is paradoxically simple; because of the lack of time and space, we can process that old garbage and effectively remove the virus from the operating system.
Now this is not necessarily an instant fix. Although processing those old wounds can be quick, it often takes some time to thoroughly shift. But the intensity of it all fades after the initial reemergence. You just have to be willing to greet the sorrow. Freedom and forward motion will follow along with a clear view of pathways to higher desires.
Sometimes all the spiritual tools we have tucked away in our tool bag to deal with sorrow and grief, be it old or new, can only take us so far. The truth is we are not humans seeking a spiritual experience, but rather a Spirit seeking human experience. We are here in human form for a reason, and our emotions and traumas are all part of the matrix. Enlightenment from this perspective is about anchoring our soul into the earth realm as our Spirit intended at birth, and synchronizing soul with body. True spiritual evolution happens when we allow ourselves to be the human we came here to be.
Don’t be afraid to seek the help of a dear friend, a sacred community, or a trusted healer/counselor. Part of the process is to share through speaking to someone, writing in a journal, expressing through art or music or all of the above! The whole idea is to honor the sorrow so that it no longer needs to be running around in your psyche creating havoc, often unconsciously, trying to get your attention.
Blessings to you upon your sacred journey!