I hate to sound cliché, but Whitney Houston said it best – “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” Self love truly is the most important love to nourish, nurture and keep alive. Because the bottom line is, if you don’t have self love, you don’t have real love – period!
Whether you are in a relationship or not, like attracts like. There is no way around that universal law. If you are letting that inner critic take control, you will inevitably attract to you that same unloving energy whether it is in the form of a lack of a partner, a partner who isn’t treating you the way you want, or the worst fate of all – a partner who is absolutely, undeniable wrong for you.
I heard Tony Robins once talk to a woman that was complaining about her husband who wasn’t stepping up to the plate. It was a transformational experience for me to hear the words come out of his mouth. I already knew intuitively the truth he was speaking, but I wasn’t living it at the time. He was talking about the kind of woman men are really attracted too. He said the single most attractive aspect of a woman is her joy. He also pointed out that when a woman is happy and confident she is sexy as hell. He admitted that men may be initially attracted to a woman for her looks and they may even pursue such a woman. And once they get what their biology was asking for, they can no longer sustain the attraction if the woman does not love herself, has some serious insecurity, or is just unhappy all the time.
This really clicked for me personally. I suddenly realized how much I was complaining to my partner. I also saw how I was projecting insecurities about myself that he didn’t even see. I too am guilty of letting that inner critic take over. But after being reminded of this profound truth, I decided to try an experiment.
That day when I saw my lover I decided to just be happy and not complain. I decided I was beautiful and sexy no matter what; with or without makeup, skinny or fat. I decided to nurture him and really give him the kind of love I wanted returned. Instead of getting upset about something I would normally complain about, I recognized its insignificance and let it go. Well the law of attraction did not let me down. As the days went on and I continued to abstain from complaining or projecting insecurity, our relationship really began to flourish. It was not that it was falling apart before hand, but complacency was setting in. We needed a boost and with my simple tweak of attitude we were back on track and deeply enjoying one another. And, he was automatically inspired to pick up the slack I was complaining about in the first place.
Now this phenomenon does not need a romantic relationship to have an effect on your life. The truth is, to even keep up with such a loving attitude you must first and foremost be affectionate towards yourself. You cannot give from an empty cup right? The secret to getting the love you want is first giving it to yourself.
If you are not in a romantic relationship, watch how the self-love law of attraction takes shape in your life. I’m not saying you are guaranteed to manifest the perfect partner, but I promise you WILL attract really good things, people and situations because self love surrounds you. It’s unavoidable. And with all that awesome, loving ju ju in your aura you will either attract the right partner OR feel fulfilled enough to be ok with your single status.
There are three real simple keys to creating and maintaining self love. The first key to self love is Loving Self Talk. As much as you would like to bitch slap that inner critic, what she is crying out for is love. Just like a child that is not getting any attention, she will get louder and louder without that love. So, you have to create an inner admirer, cheer leader and lover. You have to talk to youself like you are the most adorable creature to walk this earth. Call yourself cute little names – names that would make you feel good if someone said them to you. For example, when the inner critic begins to critique your weight or some other aspect of your looks, counter her with an inner voice that sounds something like this “lovey, sweetie, beautiful girl…YOU ARE AMAZING! You are absolutely stunning just as you are. Are you kidding me, there are people who would kill for what you have. You are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.” Apply that same loving voice to ANY situation. The point is to love-talk yourself all the time!
The second key to self love is Say No First. So often we find ourselves overwhelmed with so much on our plate that we don’t have time for our own nurturing. One of the holist things we can do for ourselves is say no. It is much easier to say yes after the fact if we find we actually have time to do something, but saying no first keeps us from feeling resentful later when we have taken on too much. If you’re like me, you hate canceling on someone or saying no after you have said yes. We want to be able to do everything, but if we are really honest with ourselves we will see that “everything” may be more than we can handle with grace.
Multitasking is over rated indeed. When we multitask we are actually not giving 100% of our energy to any one thing, spreading ourselves too thin and not accomplishing anything to its fullest potential. Taking on one task at a time and saying no to anything that will take us away from what is truly important saves us sanity in the long run. Avoiding depletion and keeping ourselves well nourished – body, mind and spirit is the greatest gift that we can give to those we love, and more importantly, our own wellness and the wellbeing of our psyche. When presented with a decision on saying yes or no, ask yourself this one question: Will this bring me closer to my purpose or goal or drive me farther away from it?
The third key is regularly checking in with yourself and asking “What do I really want right now.” Especially if you are overextended or stressed out and find yourself complaining. Take a moment to get quiet, take a breath and ask yourself “Baby girl, what do you REALY want right now. What is your soul asking for?” Then give it to yourself! No playing martyr, no pushing through – nourish yourself for Pete’s sake because if you don’t, no one will! Even if you have a time constraint, you better well make a promise to nurture yourself before the end of the day and keep that promise.
I once asked myself that question and the answer was “cookie dough.” I asked three times thinking that can’t be right. There is nothing nourishing about cookie dough, or so I thought. But at the time I had been eating uber healthy and was a day or two from starting my cycle. And sometimes, you have to indulge. The princess in you needs to be seen and heard. So, I put on some trash TV and had me some cookie dough. That one naughty indulgence didn’t kill me. But honestly, you won’t get an answer like that all the time. Much of the time what you’ll hear is “I need a good meal, a hot bath, to sit in the garden, to go to the beach, to just veg out!” What is important is to tune in, listen and honor yourself.
So those are the three keys to self love that will unleash the love you want RIGHT NOW. And self love is the ultimate producer of overall happiness. Self love creates happy relationships because you come into them whole. Screw Jerry McGuire and the whole “you complete me” thing. That is a crock of crap! You are the only one ever capable of completing you. You own the power!
So for Valentines Day, even if you are in a relationship and celebrating, I encourage you to do something pleasurable for yourself. Remember – Everyone Benefits From A Gratified Woman! Oh and my men out there…not only will you thank me for sharing this with your gal, but these same principals apply to you. So everyone go spread some sweet juicy love all over yourself. And then share below how you did that. It inspires us all when we read about how someone let loose their inner love bug.